Smart Ants

I notice there are smart ants and dumb ants when I turn on the light over the bathroom sink in the basement. The smart ants run for cover while the dumb ants continue saying, "Where's the food? Where's the food?"

Now how can such a small brain think so fast?

In the end they both get smuched.

The Worm has Turned.

I was doing chores in the backyard this weekend when I noticed two night crawlers yelling in extreme pain on the sidewalk, which was in full sun and had to be 104 degrees. Rather than let them commit suicide, I picked them both up and carried them to the dock. The Lake is very clear right now and you can see the bottom.



There are usually small Bass swimming under the dock where it is cooler. After saying "Bon Voyage", I threw both worms in the Lake. Sure enough, the first worm disappeared in seconds! Bass swallow worms whole, you know, because they don't have teeth. The other worm was swimming desparately for shore when the same Bass (about the size of my hand) decided that last morscel was pretty good, turned, and swallowed worm number 2.



It just goes to show ya. The fastest fish gets the worms, you can bet your Bass.

Career opportunities at Caseys

After I filled my gas tank at Caseys, the paper receipt didn't print at the pump so I went inside to have them give me something in writing. The young man stamped a piece of paper with the Caseys address and date and then he wrote the rest with gallons, price, and total cost.

I didn't look at the receipt until a couple of weeks later when the bill came. The receipt said, "Fule".

This may provide some insight as to why this guy was working at Caseys.

The IPOD

I got a new IPOD last weekend mostly because of a coupon that appeared to be almost free until you get to the cash register, where they read you the fine print. I got it home and couldn't figure where the cassette went.

So I left it up to Ruth, the techie guru, to download songs from the internet. Since we have the same taste in songs one would think I would be ready for "Don't forget the Lyrics." To my surprise I found songs like "Harper Valley PTA" and "Wichita Lineman". I have heard these songs ad nauseum.

The only song that was the worst one ever written was "Winchester Cathedral". I haven't found that song yet but will keep looking. Need to have a serious talk with the guru.

SpongeBob

The Army

I had a drill sargeant that didn't like me. Every morning he'd flip on the lights and banged a garbage can with a baseball bat to wake us up. It just set the tone for the whole day. Instead of saying, "Oh, Bobby, it's time to awake" he would yell, "YOU MAGGOTS BETTER GET OUT OF THAT BED AND FALL OUTSIDE IN FORMATION NOW!! MOVE IT!!MOVE IT!! Now if I were to go into Ruth's bedroom with a garbage can and a baseball bat for a wake up call, well.....

So we stood outside in the snow and dark with everyone wearing the same colored clothes and helmets to take attendance. If they were smart, they could have let us sleep and checked for empty bunks.

One night while standing guard duty, they gave me a flashlight with batteries so weak they wouldn't attract a mosquitoe. I noticed a rustling in the bushes and put the trusty Army Issue flashlight on it. Couldn't see a damn thing until the critter crossed the street and by the light of a distant streetlight I could make out the shadow of a skunk. I let it go.

I know some guys who never experienced Army life and the thrill of having machine gun tracer bullets flying overhead, or slicing onions for 500 men, or sleeping on the cold ground in wet clothes, or had an alarm clock that caused panic attacks. Some of us can truly appreciate a warm bed, naps, and clothes that aren't green.

Some guys don't know what they truly missed, like Carl.

SpongeBob

This Kiss

When I was younger, I dated a girl that held her breath when she kissed. I didn't know it at the time because I had my eyes shut.

Dad never taught me much about kissing so I thought John Wayne's method seemed to work. Kisses were meant to be long and lasting right before he rode off into the sunset. Naturally the poor girl was dizzy and breathless when we finished but I thought she was really getting turned on. It was a big ego booster to my manhood. What did I know? I kissed other girls but it just wasn't the same.

It's funny what you remember as you get older.

We now have seven grandchildren!

Sponge Bob

Carl

There was an older kid on my street by the name of Carl, who never liked his name. He was named after his father. The name was probably popular back in 1920 but by 1955 you didn't meet too many kids named Carl. Carl was stuck with the name Carl and there wasn't much he could do about it.

Around the Fourth of July we bought firecrackers, M-80s, and cherry bombs, most of which they don't sell anymore thanks to the Government. We had sparklers that were 2 feet long and reached 400 degrees Kelvin. It was like playing with a welding rod.

Carl liked to throw those cherry bombs in the air because they were louder than laying them on the ground, like the package said. One day the lit fuse was faster than Carl and it went off in his hand.

As I remember it, Carl seemed much happier and well adjusted after we started calling him "Lefty".